This is something different from what I usually write about. No music, no film, but instead a fuel passion rant about the world around me. I am turning 22 years old in two days. When my mum was 22 years old she was married and pregnant. Now this isn’t me saying I wish to currently be married and pregnant, far from it. But you have to understand, I’m turning 22 years old in two days and I am writing (actually more like pleading) to the few people who will read this about the difficulties i am dealing with. For some time now, I have had my suspicions of me being autistic. The first time I heard of the word was when I was in secondary school, and the teacher showed us a kids book involving cats showing how some people (or in that case, cats) are different. It was to “prepare” us for the new student who was joining the school. Between year 7 and year 9, I was relatively ok, but after then something seemed to shift my mind. I believe this was around the time I developed depression and my anxiety was through the roof. This was also around the time I was going through my Syd Barrett phase, thinking that in some weird, narcissistic way, I was connected with Syd somehow. It turns out that at some point every Pink Floyd fan goes through this phase, and that, in fact, did not in fact make me special. It didn’t stop me from writing the lyrics to Jugband Blues on my science folder though. Ever since those last few years in school, I have never been able to escape this disjointed feeling. This isn’t me saying that I magically developed autism then and there. Before I was even born, because of my mum’s age, she was told that there will be something wrong with me. I don’t want to involve too much of my mum into this story so let’s just say she was in denial with a lot of things and I’ll leave it at that. Growing up, I was in and out of “special schools” as they were referred to back then. I was non verbal until the age of 5, and so it took me a while to learn how to read meaning I was very much left behind in school. But over the years, I think that I developed some kind of strategy for coping in this world. A strategy I think that is slowly breaking apart as I am on the edge of living in “the real world”. Maybe strategy isn’t the right word for it, they say that girls are better at masking their autism than boys so the strategy in question is just me masking I suppose.

Why exactly now am I writing this? What has happened to me that has made me write this? Well I suppose it’s because we are approaching my least favourite season. For what summer is on the surface, I do love it. I do love the sun, the way every colour of the outside is amplified, its beauty. However, do I dare say that capitalism ruins this time of season? Yes and no, mainly no as capitalism ruins every season not just summer. Any chase I have to bring up capitalism and my hate for it, I take it. My point being, I have finished my second year of uni and its officially the summer holidays, at least for me. I have no exams so i got to finish early, as if another kick in the stomach my summer is now longer. It’s that time of the year where I have nothing to do so I will have to find a job. Just before I proceed, I want to acknowledge that I am aware that I’m coming from a very privileged position, and I will be sounding like a broken Smith’s record as I proceed but you have been warned. In all honesty, I actually do want a job. I long for nothing but independence in life, making my own money and really feeling like I am actually entering young adulthood. But when I look on Indeed, I actually feel physically sick as it dawns on me how screwed I am. It dawns on me that I’m not good at anything. Ok, I’m good at some things, but they don’t matter. They don’t matter for the “real world”, that place adults love to refer to. Every job requires communication skills which makes me mad. No wonder only 15% of autistic people work, reading the job description is like reading my worst nightmare. It’s not just the communication skills, but the organisation skills too. I mean I’m fairly slow with most things, especially with numbers. There are the odd cleaning jobs here and there but considering I had a really bad experience working as a cleaner, I really don’t want to go there again. The other factor that is in the way is my location. I live in a very small village in Wales, and it will surprise no one that I can’t drive. To my credit, I’m currently learning but what’s the point of driving a car if you are genuinely afraid for your future, and don’t see much hope for it. You’ll see online people giving examples of friendly jobs for autistic people, but this doesn’t apply to me and people in similar situations to me when I am recluse to the Welsh countryside. My inability to get employment, employment that will work out successfully, is making my depression worse. I’m doing that thing again where I just randomly start crying, haven’t done that since I was 16. I feel comfortable with volunteer work, however, volunteer work does not pay.
We are currently, in the Uk at least, under power by a party who doesn’t care about people like me. There is, of course, the general election this July but with either conservative and labour, I don’t see much changing.
Today I got a rejection from a summer internship for journalism. I knew I would, I knew that my answers weren’t what they were looking for which is frustrating because the questions were subjective. And yet, I knew what answers they were looking for and I didn’t answer them the way they wanted me to. It still disappoints me though this rejection, I thought maybe I could actually earn money by doing something I love. My Grandad always tells me to get a job that I love, that involves something I like. I admire his naivety view on it, he is perhaps talking as if he thinks it’s still the 1960s. I don’t tell him this though, you just let him go on thinking this way and just give a smile and a nod. I truly would love to live in a world my Grandad seems to think we’re living in.
There are parts of my life that I am proud of. How is it that I, someone who was non verbal until 5, always left behind in school, did not do so great on my GCSE’s, become a university student studying Media and English Literature? But my years of being in the education system are becoming limited (unless I decide to do my masters). I am slowly being pushed off an edge of a world I don’t understand.
I am glad to say that I am officially on the waiting list for a diagnosis for autism. If you know anything about the health system in the uk, you’ll know that it will be a long wait but I am just glad I have at least taken the first step. I am new to the world of autism, I don’t understand most things and I think I would benefit from talking with others who have been diagnosed so please get in touch if you feel comfortable discussing your experiences.
I want to end this piece with a thought. Will circumstances be the end of me?





































































